How Can I Help a Friend Through the Suicide
of a Loved One?
The one thing she will need most is someone to let her talk. Sit
down by her and say things like, "Tell me how you feel." "Do you need to talk about it?" Don't be pushy or hover, but 'be
there.' (Most men prefer not to talk about it!)
* Don't ask her to let you know if you can help, she won't ask you. She
isn't even thinking that well. Instead ask her, can I clean up your kitchen, mow your lawn, cook.. or whatever.
* Don't be surprised at things she says. Intense loss such as this can
cause a rational person to become irrational. One thing you need to understand is that for at least the next 2 or 3 months
she will think about NOTHING except the deceased. This is normal. Suicide leaves a multitude of issues to deal with, and for
those that found the bodies, it's horrific.
* For a few months she may be very scatterbrain, unorganized, can't make
decisions or connect thoughts, can't remember anything, cries very easily. Don't put any kind of pressure on her because it
will set her back. But at the same time, don't make her feel helpless or childlike. (It's a tough balance) She will probably
regress to this stage again around 11 months after the death. Anniversary dates are tough, especially the first one. The days
leading up to it are the hardest.
* She will blame herself, and this is normal. That's an issue only she
can work through, and all survivors have to do that. In her head she may know she isn't to blame, but it will take time to
convince her heart. Allow her to work through it.
* And please, NEVER say to a survivor, "it's time to get over it" or "you
have to go on with your life now." It will only distance you. They will never get over it. They have to learn how to live
with it, and learning that is a process. It takes time. Also, please don't say things like "He's in a better place now." That
sounds so cliché' and mechanical, and it usually only makes us mad.
* This isn't anything you can "fix", so please don't try to. Sometimes
just sitting beside her and letting her cry will do wonders. As much as you hate to see her hurt, it's something she will
have work through herself. Just be there for her. Silence is OK sometimes, too.
* At this point survival is not a sure thing to her, but she's in too much
shock to make a decision about it all. Let her know you're there, but don't pressure her.
* Somewhere around the 3rd month the shock will wear completely off, the
"fog" will lift, and she will be zapped back to the very beginning of this grieving process. She may feel like she did a 'free
fall' right back to day one. That's normal. People that start telling her to "get over it" and "go on with life" will only
build walls. Trust me, she would if she could!!!
*From around the 3rd month it will be a real hard road, with many ups and
downs. Birthdays (hers and his) will be hard, as well as holidays and the death date anniversary.
* Something important for you to know that very few people understand..
if you mention her loved one it will not cause her pain. The loudest cry from a survivor is "they won't let
me talk about him!" or "They change the subject" and "No one mentions him except me. How can he just be forgotten?" You need
to know that he is on her mind at all times. She won't have a single thought that isn't connected to him for several months.
If you mention his name and she cries, it's NOT because you said something to hurt her. The tears are ALWAYS there- she just
released some of them. This is important for a survivor, so please don't make it more painful by denying her the times she
needs to talk about him.
- It's not at all unusual for a survivor to, herself, become suicidal
in the first year or two after the loss. I strongly urge her to get into some sort of support group for survivors.
-The best part of a support group is that you find out all the things
you are going through are normal.
Thanks for being a friend that cares. Sometimes a simple thing like a card,
a hug, or even just a smile can make all the difference in the world!!