Journey Through Suicide Grief
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Help For A Friend

How Can I Help a Friend Through the Suicide of a Loved One?

 The one thing she will need most is someone to let her talk. Sit down by her and say things like, "Tell me how you feel." "Do you need to talk about it?" Don't be pushy or hover, but 'be there.' (Most men prefer not to talk about it!)

* Don't ask her to let you know if you can help, she won't ask you. She isn't even thinking that well. Instead ask her, can I clean up your kitchen, mow your lawn, cook.. or whatever.

* Don't be surprised at things she says. Intense loss such as this can cause a rational person to become irrational. One thing you need to understand is that for at least the next 2 or 3 months she will think about NOTHING except the deceased. This is normal. Suicide leaves a multitude of issues to deal with, and for those that found the bodies, it's horrific.

* For a few months she may be very scatterbrain, unorganized, can't make decisions or connect thoughts, can't remember anything, cries very easily. Don't put any kind of pressure on her because it will set her back. But at the same time, don't make her feel helpless or childlike. (It's a tough balance) She will probably regress to this stage again around 11 months after the death. Anniversary dates are tough, especially the first one. The days leading up to it are the hardest.

* She will blame herself, and this is normal. That's an issue only she can work through, and all survivors have to do that. In her head she may know she isn't to blame, but it will take time to convince her heart. Allow her to work through it.

* And please, NEVER say to a survivor, "it's time to get over it" or "you have to go on with your life now." It will only distance you. They will never get over it. They have to learn how to live with it, and learning that is a process. It takes time. Also, please don't say things like "He's in a better place now." That sounds so cliché' and mechanical, and it usually only makes us mad.

* This isn't anything you can "fix", so please don't try to. Sometimes just sitting beside her and letting her cry will do wonders. As much as you hate to see her hurt, it's something she will have work through herself. Just be there for her. Silence is OK sometimes, too.

* At this point survival is not a sure thing to her, but she's in too much shock to make a decision about it all. Let her know you're there, but don't pressure her.

* Somewhere around the 3rd month the shock will wear completely off, the "fog" will lift, and she will be zapped back to the very beginning of this grieving process. She may feel like she did a 'free fall' right back to day one. That's normal. People that start telling her to "get over it" and "go on with life" will only build walls. Trust me, she would if she could!!!

*From around the 3rd month it will be a real hard road, with many ups and downs. Birthdays (hers and his) will be hard, as well as holidays and the death date anniversary.

* Something important for you to know that very few people understand.. if you mention her loved one it will not cause her pain. The loudest cry from a survivor is "they won't let me talk about him!" or "They change the subject" and "No one mentions him except me. How can he just be forgotten?" You need to know that he is on her mind at all times. She won't have a single thought that isn't connected to him for several months. If you mention his name and she cries, it's NOT because you said something to hurt her. The tears are ALWAYS there- she just released some of them. This is important for a survivor, so please don't make it more painful by denying her the times she needs to talk about him.

- It's not at all unusual for a survivor to, herself, become suicidal in the first year or two after the loss. I strongly urge her to get into some sort of support group for survivors. 

-The best part of a support group is that you find out all the things you are going through are normal.

Thanks for being a friend that cares. Sometimes a simple thing like a card, a hug, or even just a smile can make all the difference in the world!!

  • Share the sorrow. Allow them — even encourage them — to talk about their feelings of loss and share memories of the deceased.
  • Don’t offer false comfort.  It doesn’t help the grieving person when you say “it was for the best” or “you’ll get over it in time.” Instead, offer a simple expression of sorrow and take time to listen.
  • Offer practical help. Baby-sitting, cooking and running errands are all ways to help someone who is in the midst of grieving.
  • Be patient. Remember that it can take a long time to recover from a major loss. Make yourself available to talk.
  • Encourage professional help when necessary. Don’t hesitate to recommend professional help when you feel someone is experiencing too much pain to cope alone.

Someone you know may be experiencing grief - perhaps the loss of a loved one, perhaps another type of loss - and you want to help. The fear of making things worse may encourage you to do nothing. Yet you do not wish to appear to be uncaring. Remember that it is better to try to do something, inadequate as you may feel, than to do nothing at all. Don't attempt to sooth or stifle the emotions of the griever. Tears and anger are an important part of the healing process. Grief is not a sign of weakness. It is the result of a strong relationship and deserves the honor of strong emotion. When supporting someone in their grief the most important thing is to simply listen. Grief is a very confusing process, expressions of logic are lost on the griever. The question "tell me how you are feeling" followed by a patient and attentive ear will seem like a major blessing to the grief stricken. Be present, reveal your caring, listen. Your desire is to assist your friend down the path of healing. They will find their own way down that path, but they need a helping hand, an assurance that they are not entirely alone on their journey. It does not matter that you do not understand the details, your presence is enough. Risk a visit, it need not be long. The mourner may need time to be alone but will surely appreciate the effort you made to visit. Do some act of kindness. There are always ways to help. Run errands, answer the phone, prepare meals, mow the lawn, care for the children, shop for groceries, meet incoming planes or provide lodging for out of town relatives. The smallest good deed is better than the grandest good intention.

 

The following article appeared in Ann Landers column in the Atlanta papers (1997).

Dear Ann Landers:

I am a psychologist who has practiced grief therapy for 25 years. I thought "An Open Letter to Bereaved Parents" was excellent. But one sentence from your reader troubled me. She wrote, "You will find out who your true friends are at this time." This isn't necessarily so.

People often say stupid things or avoid mourners, not out of malice but discomfort. Friends who disappear or seem indifferent don't necessarily love you less; they simply can't deal with the emotional pain.

A griever once told me, "I had a friend who abandoned me completely. She didn't even give me a phone call. I couldn't believe it. She was one of my closest friends. Finally, I reached out to her and invited her to lunch. She cried throughout the entire meal. See,' she said, this is why I didn't call. I can't stop crying.' I told her, So cry, but don't lose me and don't let me lose you."

There are great losses deeply felt in times of grief. The loss of friendship because people don't respond the way we think they should only adds to the grief.

-Therapist in Minneapolis

Dear Therapist in Minneapolis:

Thanks for a moving letter. Mary Bailey of Galesburg, IL sent me a poem she wrote in 1982 following the death of her daughter, Dianne:

Please, dear friend,

Don't say to me the old cliches,
Time heals all wounds,
God only gives you as much as you can bear,
Life is for the living...

Just say the thoughts of your heart.
I'm sorry, I love you, I'm here, I care.
Hug me and squeeze my hand.
I need your warmth and strength.
Please don't drop your eyes when I am near.
I feel so rejected now by God and man.
Just look in my eyes, and let me know that you are with me.
Don't think you must always be strong for me.
It's okay to cry.
It tells me how much you care.
Let me cry, too.
It's so lonely to always cry alone.
Please keep coming by even after many weeks have passed.
When the numbness wears off, the pain of grief is unbearable.
Don't ever expect me to be quite the same.
How can I be when part of my being is here no more?
But please know, dear friend, with your love, support and understanding,
I will live and love again and be grateful every day that I have you.